We did a lot of debriefing today. I have had a good bit of time to think, but not enough to process everything, so forgive me if this is a little over dramatic.
Emily went to Sfanta Ana yesterday and has been having a very emotional time since then. It is hard to see where these girls live. In fact, they are the reason I decided to become an intern 2 years ago. Seeing girls who are 17, 16, even 15, actively being prostitutes is like being hit with a truck. They go from jumping on a trampoline to walking away, hand in hand, with a strange man. I wasn't even there, but I remember what it was like and it hasn't really changed.
We talked about how it sounds to hear about a 15 year old prostitute. She must be a bad person, rebelling and selfish. But in reality, she is just a 15 year old girl in a really, really bad situation. It is pretty much impossible to convey the feelings you go through when this realization hits you, so I'm not going to try very hard.
Another sentiment that is hard to convey is the anticlimactic-ness (don't laugh, its a word because I say so) of sitting in the ministry center at 10 pm, after everyone has gone home, waiting for it to be time to pack. I am leaving Romania... possibly for a very long time, but the kids are still here. The staff is still here. This was just another 2 weeks for them.
I feel like my time in Romania has been so incredibly significant in my life, but at the same time, I feel so incredibly insignificant when I think about my impact here. I go back home and I realize that my second language is only spoken in 1.5 countries in the world (I'm still not sure about that Moldova place). I sit in airports and watch thousands of people from all walks of life going all over the world for all sorts of reasons, many of them well-dressed German businessmen who are nice to look at ;) and I feel very insignificant.
I went to Rehab once while I was here. I never got to see David face to face, but to be completely honest, what would I have done? Right now, my interest there is almost completely selfish. I want to see the kids that I can't stop thinking about. I can't really do anything for them. One day of feeding and changing diapers isn't going to make any difference. I don't have any special skills that I can use, yet. Why am I even here? Sorry, I told you I was going to be melancholy and stuff.
To sum things up, I am a little person (lets not think too literally here) with a big God. He sees the whole picture. His thoughts are higher than mine. I'm going to try to stop asking questions that I can't understand the answer to. Another CS Lewis paraphrase, this time from A Grief Observed. God isn't going to magically make all of our tough questions fit with loopholes and subtleties when we get to heaven. We are going to find out that most of our questions don't make sense in the first place, like asking if triangles are inherently blue or yellow.
I love CS Lewis, he is always clever and logical just when I need it.
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