Today was a restful day, even though it was pretty much one giant party. I was very appreciative of the rest though. Yesterday afternoon I started falling asleep as we were sitting downstairs listening to the staff explain the sewing project. Florina sent me upstairs to take a nap... which ended up lasting almost 2 hours. I felt bad, I didn't come to Romania to sleep, but I have been so drained by the jet lag and the heat that I felt a huge deal better today. To be fair, that may be because we didn't use the public transportation today. In the morning children from at risk families came and we performed our skit for them then we had a great time eating rice pudding and ice cream and playing in the pool.
The kids loved playing in the pool and I was reminded about how different Romania is from America. The kids didn't bring swimsuits so the children, some as old as 8, were playing in the pool in just their underwear. We were taking pictures with them and filming, just as if they had swimsuits. It sounds SO creepy, but no one thinks twice about it in Romania. There is a certain amount of freedom and lack of political correctness here that is quiet liberating for me.
I have more praise for the staff. Gabriela, a new staff member, jumped right into the pool with the little kids, splashing and playing around with them. She is a beautiful woman. Dark wavy hair, high cheek bones, big eyes. And she is obviously a gypsy. She even taught me a few words in the gypsy language! But she is so energetic and friendly, and willing to jump in to whatever we are doing. She leads the children's games and songs and is always loving and hugging and laughing. She doesn't speak very good English, so it is actually easier for us to speak Romanian, so I have gotten to know her pretty quickly in just a few days. I think it is wonderful that she has joined the staff here. Having someone, a gypsy, who is so beautiful and loving and successful to be a role model for the kids is a great opportunity since most of the kids in the system are gypsy and no on on the Inimi Deschise staff is quiet as dark as they are. After just a week, I kind of want to take her home as a second sister.
Back to my day, the boys who have been having computer camp every afternoon this week came to the office. We had a little bit of a party for them where we watched the videos the the boys made music for and and took the pictures for. They really enjoyed getting awards that we gave them. I have really noticed a change in the ministry to boys. They are connecting with the CTL men and there are some great things happening. One of the boys, Daniel, has been making great strides towards becoming a real man of God. You can see it in how he acts and what he says. He is the one who was so affected by a trip to Rehab last week. I was listening to Bogdan, the Romanian director of Inimi Deschise and he said that Daniel is different, Daniel is really thinking about God and how His existence and love affects him. It is a really cool thing to see.
Tomorrow we are doing some more touristy type things, going to Transylvania and seeing a castle and the beautiful mountainside.
Next week, I am planning on following Lili around. She is a nurse who has been working for Inimi Deschise as their special needs leader for 10 years. I can't wait to see what her day looks like, but more than that, I can't wait to see the kids at Marin Pazon!!!
Speaking of that, I have been having a hard time with David being in the hospital and not being able to go to him, so please continue to pray for him and for me as well.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Yesterday we started out by going to number six, the center for 'rompers' through 'schoolers', basically toddlers through grade school. We took out about 15 pre-school age kids to the park. The director at number six is a more than a little OCD or something, because she never lets the kids outside unless we come. The kids don't really play around or have freedom. The really just sit inside most days. So when we came with balls and ice cream and bubbles and a trampoline, they were VERY excited. First, we performed a skit that we prepared based off the book, Just as You Are by Max Lucado. We shortened it and modernized it to include a girl who wanted to be a dancer and a model. It ends with the king coming and adopting the little girl with no gifts but a big heart. It was a lot of fun and the kids paid attention very well and seemed interested. Introducing the children to this book was something the staff had wanted to do for sometime and I could tell why. It really resonated with them, even at this small age.
After this we went to Chitila, an all girls orphanage with a few special needs girls. We did the usual fun things like balloon games and we even learned "Jesus Loves Me" in Romanian, which the girls enjoyed very much. Fibia, the worship leader, was amazing, coming up with hand motions on the spot and teaching the words to all three verses.
The staff continues to amaze me. After spending three months with them and then coming back, the amount of love and devotion and hard work that they put in is absolutely incredible. They face so much discouragement day after day, year after year, and yet they still pour their hearts into these kids. They have them over to their house to cook dinner together and they talk with them about the hard things, even when their time and money are very precious and even when they have been burned in the past.
Today was a lot easier physically. We went to a day care center where we did the same skit again and did lots of carnival activities. When I think of Casa din Tei, its a place where the staff goes to have fun and be encouraged. These kids act like normal children. They see their parents every day and they aren't nearly as clingy and impossible to control as the kids at the other centers. I think they need to actually see that not all the kids in Romania are doomed.
As much as I would like to end on a good note, I got a bit of difficult news today from Ariana. Ariana was CTL's special needs specialist when I was an intern here. She eventually left to work in Great Britain out of frustration. I don't blame her for leaving at all. She was living in a 3 bedroom apartment with 5 other people, working to try to change a system that just wouldn't change. She was eventually just too tired and frustrated. She is back, visiting the children she worked with. She told me that David is back in the hospital because he is still having seizures. I haven't seen him yet but Ariana says that he is doing worse than last year. Please pray that he stays alive long enough for the Don Orione Center to get the papers they need to house more children. He needs more care than he gets. I am pretty sure that his seizures are caused by dehydration, something that could be easily fixed if someone would just take the time needed to give him liquids.
After this we went to Chitila, an all girls orphanage with a few special needs girls. We did the usual fun things like balloon games and we even learned "Jesus Loves Me" in Romanian, which the girls enjoyed very much. Fibia, the worship leader, was amazing, coming up with hand motions on the spot and teaching the words to all three verses.
The staff continues to amaze me. After spending three months with them and then coming back, the amount of love and devotion and hard work that they put in is absolutely incredible. They face so much discouragement day after day, year after year, and yet they still pour their hearts into these kids. They have them over to their house to cook dinner together and they talk with them about the hard things, even when their time and money are very precious and even when they have been burned in the past.
Today was a lot easier physically. We went to a day care center where we did the same skit again and did lots of carnival activities. When I think of Casa din Tei, its a place where the staff goes to have fun and be encouraged. These kids act like normal children. They see their parents every day and they aren't nearly as clingy and impossible to control as the kids at the other centers. I think they need to actually see that not all the kids in Romania are doomed.
As much as I would like to end on a good note, I got a bit of difficult news today from Ariana. Ariana was CTL's special needs specialist when I was an intern here. She eventually left to work in Great Britain out of frustration. I don't blame her for leaving at all. She was living in a 3 bedroom apartment with 5 other people, working to try to change a system that just wouldn't change. She was eventually just too tired and frustrated. She is back, visiting the children she worked with. She told me that David is back in the hospital because he is still having seizures. I haven't seen him yet but Ariana says that he is doing worse than last year. Please pray that he stays alive long enough for the Don Orione Center to get the papers they need to house more children. He needs more care than he gets. I am pretty sure that his seizures are caused by dehydration, something that could be easily fixed if someone would just take the time needed to give him liquids.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Luminita
Luminita means little light in Romanian.
This morning, we went to orphanage number 5, also known as Luminita. It is a special needs orphanage with a slightly better staff than Marin Pazon. It was a lot like old times. We took the kids to the park and spent a lot of our time chasing after the kids and jumping on the trampoline and blowing bubbles. I remember a young autistic boy, Stefan, he didn't quite have the motor skills to blow the bubbles, so I blow bubbles at him as he stood downwind and danced around as they blew around him. One of the thing I have noticed with autistic kids, is that they don't change their facial expressions very often, but you can tell if they are happy a lot of the time by how much they gesture and move around and also by what noises they make. Stefan REALLY like bubbles, he would gurgle and dance around every time he saw them.
After Luminita, we went bowling with some of the Heart to Heart girls. These are girls that a staff member meets with once a week or more as a kind of mentoring program. We had some laughs and took lots of pictures. I bowled a 117, my highest score ever!!! The highlight of our day was definitely the worship and BBQ at the end of the day. We came back to the office and ate some delicious Romanian food. Then we had worship and prayer followed by testimonies. Some of the older boys were invited to come, so we heard testimonies from them, mostly about their trip to Marin Pazon with the BC football team! It was amazing to hear their thoughts and feelings. They know that they live in a bad situation, but after seeing the disabled children's situation, they were humbled and inspired. One of the boys told us a story of how a group of disabled kids came to his orphanage when theirs was being remodeled. He told us how he stood up for them when the other boys were making fun of them, even though he almost got beaten up for it. He then proceeded to buy all of the kids a cookie, even though he had to have spent money that he had been saving up for something.
Our worship leader Fibia, talked next about how she is moving to England to be with her sister, but she knows that God will take care of the children here. I felt the same way. If these boys could feel enough empathy and compassion to take action and take care of those less fortunate than they, then maybe Romania isn't doomed. Its the same lesson all over again. Maybe the children at Marin Pazon don't actually need me to survive and be happy. Maybe God actually does know what He is doing!
Sorry for the confusing and wordy stories, but I'm afraid my language center is just about burnt out. Noapte Buna!
This morning, we went to orphanage number 5, also known as Luminita. It is a special needs orphanage with a slightly better staff than Marin Pazon. It was a lot like old times. We took the kids to the park and spent a lot of our time chasing after the kids and jumping on the trampoline and blowing bubbles. I remember a young autistic boy, Stefan, he didn't quite have the motor skills to blow the bubbles, so I blow bubbles at him as he stood downwind and danced around as they blew around him. One of the thing I have noticed with autistic kids, is that they don't change their facial expressions very often, but you can tell if they are happy a lot of the time by how much they gesture and move around and also by what noises they make. Stefan REALLY like bubbles, he would gurgle and dance around every time he saw them.
After Luminita, we went bowling with some of the Heart to Heart girls. These are girls that a staff member meets with once a week or more as a kind of mentoring program. We had some laughs and took lots of pictures. I bowled a 117, my highest score ever!!! The highlight of our day was definitely the worship and BBQ at the end of the day. We came back to the office and ate some delicious Romanian food. Then we had worship and prayer followed by testimonies. Some of the older boys were invited to come, so we heard testimonies from them, mostly about their trip to Marin Pazon with the BC football team! It was amazing to hear their thoughts and feelings. They know that they live in a bad situation, but after seeing the disabled children's situation, they were humbled and inspired. One of the boys told us a story of how a group of disabled kids came to his orphanage when theirs was being remodeled. He told us how he stood up for them when the other boys were making fun of them, even though he almost got beaten up for it. He then proceeded to buy all of the kids a cookie, even though he had to have spent money that he had been saving up for something.
Our worship leader Fibia, talked next about how she is moving to England to be with her sister, but she knows that God will take care of the children here. I felt the same way. If these boys could feel enough empathy and compassion to take action and take care of those less fortunate than they, then maybe Romania isn't doomed. Its the same lesson all over again. Maybe the children at Marin Pazon don't actually need me to survive and be happy. Maybe God actually does know what He is doing!
Sorry for the confusing and wordy stories, but I'm afraid my language center is just about burnt out. Noapte Buna!
Monday, July 19, 2010
God is good
After a rather boring Saturday (including a trip to the grocery store and sandwiches) Sunday turned into something much more interesting than I could have hoped. We went to the international church where the service is conducted in Romanian but they have headphones with an English translation, which I did not have to use (YES!!!!). One of the surprising things was that a few kids from orphanage number 7 came to church. On their own. Apparently they have decided that they want to come to church and are actively making the choice to grow in their faith. Not that they said this in so many words, but after seeing the place where these kids are from, I can imagine a little bit of their motivation. They know that where they live is not a family, but they have been told that they have a Heavenly Father and they have received His love from the hands of the Inimi Deschise staff enough that they want to join His family. We invited them out to lunch at with us at McDonalds, which is quite the classy place to eat in Romania. The workers all have college degrees and they always get your order right. One of the older boys had even gotten baptized in the backyard of the ministry center earlier this week. It is so encouraging for the team and the staff to see the steps of faith the children are taking. Finally, after years and years of encouragement and patience, these kids are taking steps away from their terrible situations and towards God.
As amazing as this was, the real highlight of my day was visiting a Catholic orphanage just outside of Bucharest. This Italian funded organization has centers for the disabled of all ages in 53 different countries. They have even undergone the long and tedious paper to take over the care of some of the children from Marin Pazon. When I arrived, the kids were all laying on towels outside in the shade while tended by caring Romanian women and girls. The first one I recognized was Roberto, one of Marilyn's favorite little boys. I like to think that he recognized me, because as soon as I walked over to his chair, he grabbed my hand. Next I saw Aurel. Aurel is blind and deaf as well and deformed and mentally retarded. He requires constant supervision, so He was always left in his crib. As I mentioned before, I loved to take him out, put his shoes on and walk with him. I will never forget the his smiles and laughter. At the Catholic orphanage, he was out with the rest of the children, sitting well behaved on the towel a smiling as he sucked on his hand. I picked him up and started twirling with him, which he LOVES. After a while I got tired and put him down. He then tried to climb back into my arms again and again (oops!). One of the Romanian workers took pity on me and laughing, took Aurel and buckled him into his chair with a kiss on his cheek. There was no hitting or ear pulling. Aurel was still smiling and sucking his hand when I went over and asked the woman holding Maria if I could have her for a while. Maria has very sever cerebral palsy, so even though she is about 9 years old, it is no problem to hold her in your arms. I think she recognized me too, because even though she was obviously tired, I still got her to smile telling her she was wonderful and beautiful and loved. When it was time for us to head back, I laid her down on the towels with the rest of the kids (including Marian, who was being adorable and therefore I didn't need any extra attention from me!). She smiled again when I gave her a good-bye kiss, even with her impaired muscle control, her face still lights up and as she manages to focus her eyes and you and grin. Next we toured the facility. With cameras and noise sensors in the rooms of only three girls each and a play room down the hall, I didn't feel like I was deserting the kids, but I was leaving them in very, very good hands.
Afterward, we headed back to the ministry center and had pizza with the Bakersfield College team, who was with us at the special needs center.
God is so good. When working at Marin Pazon, I always felt a little helpless, there is just one of me and this room full of girls who need love and attention, not to mention the boys downstairs or the countless other centers just like in across the country. Inimi Deschise has a terrible time keeping a staff member to work at the special needs center since it is just so frustrating to see the abuse and not be able to do anything about it. But then God comes in a way we never could have done ourselves and begins to change things. Its funny, but my life the past few years has been a giant lesson about how people and God don't actually need me. Not to say that my life is useless or futile, but just the constant rediscovery that I am weak and God is strong. His will be done, not mine. He is always faithful, even when we are faithless. Basically.... God is good.
As amazing as this was, the real highlight of my day was visiting a Catholic orphanage just outside of Bucharest. This Italian funded organization has centers for the disabled of all ages in 53 different countries. They have even undergone the long and tedious paper to take over the care of some of the children from Marin Pazon. When I arrived, the kids were all laying on towels outside in the shade while tended by caring Romanian women and girls. The first one I recognized was Roberto, one of Marilyn's favorite little boys. I like to think that he recognized me, because as soon as I walked over to his chair, he grabbed my hand. Next I saw Aurel. Aurel is blind and deaf as well and deformed and mentally retarded. He requires constant supervision, so He was always left in his crib. As I mentioned before, I loved to take him out, put his shoes on and walk with him. I will never forget the his smiles and laughter. At the Catholic orphanage, he was out with the rest of the children, sitting well behaved on the towel a smiling as he sucked on his hand. I picked him up and started twirling with him, which he LOVES. After a while I got tired and put him down. He then tried to climb back into my arms again and again (oops!). One of the Romanian workers took pity on me and laughing, took Aurel and buckled him into his chair with a kiss on his cheek. There was no hitting or ear pulling. Aurel was still smiling and sucking his hand when I went over and asked the woman holding Maria if I could have her for a while. Maria has very sever cerebral palsy, so even though she is about 9 years old, it is no problem to hold her in your arms. I think she recognized me too, because even though she was obviously tired, I still got her to smile telling her she was wonderful and beautiful and loved. When it was time for us to head back, I laid her down on the towels with the rest of the kids (including Marian, who was being adorable and therefore I didn't need any extra attention from me!). She smiled again when I gave her a good-bye kiss, even with her impaired muscle control, her face still lights up and as she manages to focus her eyes and you and grin. Next we toured the facility. With cameras and noise sensors in the rooms of only three girls each and a play room down the hall, I didn't feel like I was deserting the kids, but I was leaving them in very, very good hands.
Afterward, we headed back to the ministry center and had pizza with the Bakersfield College team, who was with us at the special needs center.
God is so good. When working at Marin Pazon, I always felt a little helpless, there is just one of me and this room full of girls who need love and attention, not to mention the boys downstairs or the countless other centers just like in across the country. Inimi Deschise has a terrible time keeping a staff member to work at the special needs center since it is just so frustrating to see the abuse and not be able to do anything about it. But then God comes in a way we never could have done ourselves and begins to change things. Its funny, but my life the past few years has been a giant lesson about how people and God don't actually need me. Not to say that my life is useless or futile, but just the constant rediscovery that I am weak and God is strong. His will be done, not mine. He is always faithful, even when we are faithless. Basically.... God is good.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Safe Arrival
It's amazing what how much more comfortable brushing your teeth can make you. After crossing the ocean quite a few times and really hating the endless plane ride, I decided to prepare as best as I could and, drum roll please, I was so much more comfortable! Even though I have only gotten about 8 hours of sleep in the last 2 days, I am not hating life right now. In fact, this has to be one of the easiest transitions I think I have ever had. So, needless to say, I made it safely to Romania.
It is still a little surreal to be here. I am sitting on the same bed that I slept in for 3 months almost 2 years ago. The entire apartment still smells the same even though the furniture is all rearranged and it is much cleaner than before. I keep thinking to myself... in about 3 days I get to see my kids. I can just picture Adriana sitting in her chair when we walk in the room. She will probably start biting her hand she will be so excited. I brought baby lotion to give the kids hand massages and and just can't wait for all the hugs and the cries of 'papusa' that I will get when I see the rest of the girls. And David. As far as I know, he is still there and still alive, he is such a little trooper.
Well, my eyes are already heavy, so these briefs thoughts and updates will have to be enough. Good night. or Buna Seara!
It is still a little surreal to be here. I am sitting on the same bed that I slept in for 3 months almost 2 years ago. The entire apartment still smells the same even though the furniture is all rearranged and it is much cleaner than before. I keep thinking to myself... in about 3 days I get to see my kids. I can just picture Adriana sitting in her chair when we walk in the room. She will probably start biting her hand she will be so excited. I brought baby lotion to give the kids hand massages and and just can't wait for all the hugs and the cries of 'papusa' that I will get when I see the rest of the girls. And David. As far as I know, he is still there and still alive, he is such a little trooper.
Well, my eyes are already heavy, so these briefs thoughts and updates will have to be enough. Good night. or Buna Seara!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Almost two years later...
Some thoughts that I want to put down that might give future readers a little view into my mind and heart.
1) I talk about Romania a lot. Really. And I always refer to it a Romania. People have jokingly told me that all my stories begin with 'When I was in Romania...' It's almost true. This has led to more comments on how I am in love with the country, the culture, etc. This is less true. While I do enjoy my time in Bucharest; the awesome bread, the beautiful language, the outrageous fashions, the terrific and hilarious friends I have there... these things are not why I am basically obsessed with the country. In fact, the only reason I talk about Romania so much is that I am attempting to engage my listener in something they can relate to. What I am really thinking about are my kids. But so far it has been impossible for my to convey my true thoughts and feelings.
There is a girl there, Adriana, who I got to talk to a lot. She was about 22 when I was there and has moderate cerebral palsy. Her higher brains functions have the potential to be completely normal, but since she has never been to school and has been exposed to a pattern of abuse and neglect, she isn't normal, while she can carry on a conversation, she can't even name the days of the week. Whenever she got excited she would bite herself, sometimes very hard. There were scars all over her hands. But she always wanted to 'walk' with people. Basically you walk or run or stroll or skip or whatever back and forth down the hallway with her in her wheelchair, talking, singing or just being silent and she was happy. She would keep you occupied all day if she could. When new people visited and were uncomfortable, but obviously wanted to help, we would have them walk with her. Everybody was happy that way.
David was another CP kid, and he touched my heart as well. His condition was much more severe, he couldn't blink or smile or swallow at will, much less talk. Even though he was 9 years old, he fit on my lap and his legs were smaller than my forearms. Sometimes I would just hold him and fan him (since it was always very warm in his room). If you stretched his limbs he made what we all assumed to be happy sounds. During my last few weeks there, Davis was in and out of the hospital because he was having seizures. I am convinced they were from dehydration and overheating. Since he had a hard time swallowing and the orphanage was desperately understaffed with caretakers, a few swallows of water were all he would get per day. I never saw him sweat and I worried about him constantly By the end of my stay there, David had made a permanent impression on my heart. I can't say how many times I have prayed and cried for him in the past 2 years, just that God would keep him alive until I could see him again.
These are just 2 kids that touched my heart. There are a dozen more. Like Aurel, who was blind and deaf but had the happiest smile as soon as you touched him. Or Bianca, who would literally cling to you with all her strength when it was time for you to leave and who could only say one word, 'papusa', which means doll. But it is these kids that I am thinking about when I talk about Romania. I spend nearly half my time total time there with them. I feel like they are my children. But you don't just explain to an acquaintance that you have 30 disabled children in Eastern Europe. So instead I talk about the weather, or the food.
2) My time in Romania has given me trust issues. As I mentioned above, I have a hard time opening up to people about how I truly feel about the people I got to know there. Here is one example of why. A few weeks ago I found out that two of the girls I spent time with there died of dehydration. People may think 'Oh how sad!' or 'That's terrible, they aren't getting water!' but that isn't the half of it. Let me translate. They are still being neglected, perhaps worse than when I was there. You can drink water out of the faucet and there are girls dieing of dehydration! My first reaction to this was extreme grief. Dehydration, beatings, sexual abuse, neglect. All the things I always knew were going on hit me again in a rush. Every time I was by myself, I was crying. People would ask me how my weekend was, and I would put on a fake smile, say that it was fine, and then leave the room. I even skipped class because I couldn't pull myself together and I just didn't care about the subject or even college anymore. After a talk/ sobbing session with a DCF staff member (hi Michelle) I realized that I had taken this burden out of God's hands and it was crushing me. I let God take the burden off my shoulders, but that was just the beginning of healing.
After releasing the burden to Him, it was a daily struggle not to take it back up again. I knew I still had more to talk with God about, but I didn't want to. I couldn't trust God completely anymore. How could He be good and still let these things happen? What kind of fake goodness was that? Surely someone who is good and sovereign wouldn't let these things happen. I wanted to yell at God and tell Him he was failing, that He wasn't good. He was a liar and a weakling and He said He could handle my burdens but in fact He couldn't. For the first time in my life, my head said that God had a plan and my heart was the one resisting Him. After a few weeks struggling with this it was finally CS Lewis coupled with the Old Testament that brought peace and trust back into my life. Lewis puts it very well when he says in A Grief Observed "Sometimes it is hard not to say 'God forgive God.' Sometimes it is hard to say so much. But if our faith is true, He didn't. He crucified Him." I turned to the Old testament and read the laws about purification and sacrifice. They all required blood to atone for sins. I wanted blood for what was being done to those children, someone was at fault and someone needed to pay to make it better. But Jesus did that. I was so caught up in anger at God for what he was allowing to happen, I had forgotten or taken for granted the fact that Jesus paid for this on the cross. His blood covers everything without exception. I learned to direct my hate towards the Enemy, who comes to steal, kill and destroy. Not at my Father, who is Love. I don't know about the theology, but perhaps God in His mercy somehow rescues these children from the unbearable. He has given children the marvelous ability to adapt, to not be destroyed by evil things that are done to them. Not saying that we shouldn't work to save them, but more that God can be sovereign and just and merciful all at the same time. He is that awesome.
3) Life-changing is such a cliche word. It takes an true life-changing experience for someone to actually grasp the concept. My 3 months in Romania changed not only my career goals, but also my life goals. I was no longer on Earth just to go to church and stroll through life. More that one person has described me as fierce in the past 2 years. It was my time in Romania with those children that awakened ferocity in me. I learned that passion and love go hand in hand. That apathy and not hate is truly the opposite of love. I was on the front lines of this spiritual battle for the world and it is raging and bloody and intense and requires everything I am. There is no strolling on this battlefield. True, God is a refuge and shepherd. The Prince of Peace. And He loves to comfort us and walk with us. But on the battlefield, passion and ferocity are what turns the tide.
So these are a few thoughts about my life and God and Romania. I hope they have been enlightening. If you have read this whole thing, I am honored and impressed. Feel free to ask me about anything that is unclear or that you want to hear more about. Vulnerability is still something I am trying to work on, but it is more than a little scary. Keep praying for me and for them. God Bless.
1) I talk about Romania a lot. Really. And I always refer to it a Romania. People have jokingly told me that all my stories begin with 'When I was in Romania...' It's almost true. This has led to more comments on how I am in love with the country, the culture, etc. This is less true. While I do enjoy my time in Bucharest; the awesome bread, the beautiful language, the outrageous fashions, the terrific and hilarious friends I have there... these things are not why I am basically obsessed with the country. In fact, the only reason I talk about Romania so much is that I am attempting to engage my listener in something they can relate to. What I am really thinking about are my kids. But so far it has been impossible for my to convey my true thoughts and feelings.
There is a girl there, Adriana, who I got to talk to a lot. She was about 22 when I was there and has moderate cerebral palsy. Her higher brains functions have the potential to be completely normal, but since she has never been to school and has been exposed to a pattern of abuse and neglect, she isn't normal, while she can carry on a conversation, she can't even name the days of the week. Whenever she got excited she would bite herself, sometimes very hard. There were scars all over her hands. But she always wanted to 'walk' with people. Basically you walk or run or stroll or skip or whatever back and forth down the hallway with her in her wheelchair, talking, singing or just being silent and she was happy. She would keep you occupied all day if she could. When new people visited and were uncomfortable, but obviously wanted to help, we would have them walk with her. Everybody was happy that way.
David was another CP kid, and he touched my heart as well. His condition was much more severe, he couldn't blink or smile or swallow at will, much less talk. Even though he was 9 years old, he fit on my lap and his legs were smaller than my forearms. Sometimes I would just hold him and fan him (since it was always very warm in his room). If you stretched his limbs he made what we all assumed to be happy sounds. During my last few weeks there, Davis was in and out of the hospital because he was having seizures. I am convinced they were from dehydration and overheating. Since he had a hard time swallowing and the orphanage was desperately understaffed with caretakers, a few swallows of water were all he would get per day. I never saw him sweat and I worried about him constantly By the end of my stay there, David had made a permanent impression on my heart. I can't say how many times I have prayed and cried for him in the past 2 years, just that God would keep him alive until I could see him again.
These are just 2 kids that touched my heart. There are a dozen more. Like Aurel, who was blind and deaf but had the happiest smile as soon as you touched him. Or Bianca, who would literally cling to you with all her strength when it was time for you to leave and who could only say one word, 'papusa', which means doll. But it is these kids that I am thinking about when I talk about Romania. I spend nearly half my time total time there with them. I feel like they are my children. But you don't just explain to an acquaintance that you have 30 disabled children in Eastern Europe. So instead I talk about the weather, or the food.
2) My time in Romania has given me trust issues. As I mentioned above, I have a hard time opening up to people about how I truly feel about the people I got to know there. Here is one example of why. A few weeks ago I found out that two of the girls I spent time with there died of dehydration. People may think 'Oh how sad!' or 'That's terrible, they aren't getting water!' but that isn't the half of it. Let me translate. They are still being neglected, perhaps worse than when I was there. You can drink water out of the faucet and there are girls dieing of dehydration! My first reaction to this was extreme grief. Dehydration, beatings, sexual abuse, neglect. All the things I always knew were going on hit me again in a rush. Every time I was by myself, I was crying. People would ask me how my weekend was, and I would put on a fake smile, say that it was fine, and then leave the room. I even skipped class because I couldn't pull myself together and I just didn't care about the subject or even college anymore. After a talk/ sobbing session with a DCF staff member (hi Michelle) I realized that I had taken this burden out of God's hands and it was crushing me. I let God take the burden off my shoulders, but that was just the beginning of healing.
After releasing the burden to Him, it was a daily struggle not to take it back up again. I knew I still had more to talk with God about, but I didn't want to. I couldn't trust God completely anymore. How could He be good and still let these things happen? What kind of fake goodness was that? Surely someone who is good and sovereign wouldn't let these things happen. I wanted to yell at God and tell Him he was failing, that He wasn't good. He was a liar and a weakling and He said He could handle my burdens but in fact He couldn't. For the first time in my life, my head said that God had a plan and my heart was the one resisting Him. After a few weeks struggling with this it was finally CS Lewis coupled with the Old Testament that brought peace and trust back into my life. Lewis puts it very well when he says in A Grief Observed "Sometimes it is hard not to say 'God forgive God.' Sometimes it is hard to say so much. But if our faith is true, He didn't. He crucified Him." I turned to the Old testament and read the laws about purification and sacrifice. They all required blood to atone for sins. I wanted blood for what was being done to those children, someone was at fault and someone needed to pay to make it better. But Jesus did that. I was so caught up in anger at God for what he was allowing to happen, I had forgotten or taken for granted the fact that Jesus paid for this on the cross. His blood covers everything without exception. I learned to direct my hate towards the Enemy, who comes to steal, kill and destroy. Not at my Father, who is Love. I don't know about the theology, but perhaps God in His mercy somehow rescues these children from the unbearable. He has given children the marvelous ability to adapt, to not be destroyed by evil things that are done to them. Not saying that we shouldn't work to save them, but more that God can be sovereign and just and merciful all at the same time. He is that awesome.
3) Life-changing is such a cliche word. It takes an true life-changing experience for someone to actually grasp the concept. My 3 months in Romania changed not only my career goals, but also my life goals. I was no longer on Earth just to go to church and stroll through life. More that one person has described me as fierce in the past 2 years. It was my time in Romania with those children that awakened ferocity in me. I learned that passion and love go hand in hand. That apathy and not hate is truly the opposite of love. I was on the front lines of this spiritual battle for the world and it is raging and bloody and intense and requires everything I am. There is no strolling on this battlefield. True, God is a refuge and shepherd. The Prince of Peace. And He loves to comfort us and walk with us. But on the battlefield, passion and ferocity are what turns the tide.
So these are a few thoughts about my life and God and Romania. I hope they have been enlightening. If you have read this whole thing, I am honored and impressed. Feel free to ask me about anything that is unclear or that you want to hear more about. Vulnerability is still something I am trying to work on, but it is more than a little scary. Keep praying for me and for them. God Bless.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
A Year Later
Wow, I have been back from Romania for over a year and yet it is still an amazing, stretching part of my life. I still think about my time there almost daily and I get that heart twist every time I think about my kids there and going back. While I was there, I prayed that God wouldn't let Romania fall away, that if I was meant to go back, these children would stay on my heart. Boy did he answer!
But that isn't the the only thing my time there has done. I have grown so much since then. Honestly, I didn't have any encounter with God while I was there. I was sadly lacking in time in prayer or in the Word, but I have never before lived a life of love to quiet that extent. I truly learned about long-suffering and kindness, endurance and sacrifice of self. I didn't learn even half of what God taught me during my time in Romania. Most everything was after. Did I think God was trying to teach me something after I had to walk around for half the day with a 9-year-old's urine on my shorts? Heck no! All I could think about was laundry and shower, but it was later when I began to dive into Scripture that I connected that with taking up my cross daily. With rejoicing at trials and sorrow in His service.
I think I mostly learned about sacrifice, but I didn't realize this until I was called to practice sacrifice yet again. Every morning I woke up at 5 so that I could go to work this summer, I though about the trip to Romania I was saving money for. It is something that a life style of fasting and prayer only began to prepare me for.
I can't help but think that I got way more out of my time there than the people I was ministering to. And now, God is still teaching me, preparing me for my next trip (oh yes, there will be one, He told me so ). I can't help but be in awe of how God never does things for just one reason. Looking back, I can just begin to trace the beautiful arcs of His mercy and grace in my life.
But that isn't the the only thing my time there has done. I have grown so much since then. Honestly, I didn't have any encounter with God while I was there. I was sadly lacking in time in prayer or in the Word, but I have never before lived a life of love to quiet that extent. I truly learned about long-suffering and kindness, endurance and sacrifice of self. I didn't learn even half of what God taught me during my time in Romania. Most everything was after. Did I think God was trying to teach me something after I had to walk around for half the day with a 9-year-old's urine on my shorts? Heck no! All I could think about was laundry and shower, but it was later when I began to dive into Scripture that I connected that with taking up my cross daily. With rejoicing at trials and sorrow in His service.
I think I mostly learned about sacrifice, but I didn't realize this until I was called to practice sacrifice yet again. Every morning I woke up at 5 so that I could go to work this summer, I though about the trip to Romania I was saving money for. It is something that a life style of fasting and prayer only began to prepare me for.
I can't help but think that I got way more out of my time there than the people I was ministering to. And now, God is still teaching me, preparing me for my next trip (oh yes, there will be one, He told me so ). I can't help but be in awe of how God never does things for just one reason. Looking back, I can just begin to trace the beautiful arcs of His mercy and grace in my life.
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